This Might Be Why No One Wants to Help You
February 23rd, 2013
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Author: Hi everyone! Ever wonder why many experts turn a deaf ear to you when you email them or comment asking for help? It could be because you’re a consistent liar.
“But I’M not a liar!” you sit there frowning.
Um, yeah some of you are – many times. You’re a liar if you go around flashing your victimhood repeatedly and crying, “I don’t know how to…” like it’s your reason for not succeeding.
And this describes ME for many years (okay even to this day in some circumstances). I just bought Time Warrior by Steve Chandler and it’s full of individual short chapters so what I did today was randomly flip it open to a chapter to read – highlighter in hand in case I found anything good that spoke to me.
Chandler kicked my butt all the way to next Wednesday! I LOVE it. He said all these people who say, “I want to be a ____ but I don’t know how to _______,” are using their victim story. And here’s what got me – he said:
“And why would I want to help a liar like that?”
Ouch! But he’s so right. I’m going to tell you that most gurus don’t even answer their own email – the reason is because they don’t have time to go through them all, yes. But they also get tired of them.
Behind the scenes, I’ve seen people get really annoyed or even make fun of people with their sob stories. I myself have felt that way on occasion - not making fun of people – but where I wanted to grab them by the shoulders and slap them so they’d snap out of it.
And this is NOT about the people who email me once or twice or even have valid questions they need help with. These are the people still contacting me 4 years later with the same sob story about why they can’t do something.
Chandler says you don’t “have to ‘know how’ to do something…” you choose to do it.
This took me back to Craig’s call where he was telling me about an example of TRYING to pick something up. We always say, “Well I’ll try.” But the way we say it is already so self-defeating it’s pathetic. Me included!
I’m sure Craig gets sick of hearing ME say, “I’ll think about,” or “I will…someday…maybe.” God even in the Warrior Forum last night, people were saying, “Tiffany you could have a coaching service that doubled or tripled your income – but why don’t you?” Um, “I don’t know how…” right? “I’m not ready.” I’m playing the victim.
My son the other day said he would try – on something I knew he needed to do, so I said, “There’s no TRY – you either can do something or you can’t.” You can’t TRY to pick up my yoga ball. You either can pick it up, or you can’t.
And if you CAN’T, well then guess what? You work on things – build your muscles or figure out a strategy – until you CAN. Or you walk away. Or you keep coming to me saying, “I want to pick up that yoga ball, but I don’t know how…” wanting me to do it for you or something. You know what needs to be done.
There are some people who email ALL of the “experts” in IM with their same sob story – literally. They must mass email to see which one will cater to the victim mentality and lend a helping hand. We all compare notes.
And you GO there with them initially. You say, “Oh I’m so sorry, sure let me help you…” and then when that person comes back with another easy question, repeating the same sob story (in case you forgot), and again, then you start going, “Hmm – figure this shit out yourself.”
Once in awhile you get a question from someone who wants to do something – and they have a sob story (we all do – me included). And you give them that one beam of support and WHOOSH! They’re off flying – surpassing you, in fact! You never regret helping those people.
It’s normal to want some camaraderie in this business and some fellow brainstorming or guidance or motivation.
It’s also normal (but not good) for people to use their story as their excuse. And when you get in a position where you get hundreds of emails – sob story after sob story – some days, you just want to have some tough love with people.
You all see my own stories and excuses openly here. I tell you if I’m scared shitless or feel unworthy. And at the same time, I can kick your butt where my own strengths lie. And you guys kick mine, too. LOL!
The key is to recognize when you’re playing the victim card and stop doing it.
You know what we all need? We all need a little inner Rob Tidwell in us. Rob Tidwell is Cuba Gooding Jr’s character in Jerry McGuire – LOVE that movie for business motivation!
When he’s on the plane and Jerry (Tom Cruise) has basically declared himself a loser and is giving up, Rob grabs him by the hand, starts making it dance and says, “Anyone else would have left you by now, but I’m sticking with you. And if I have to ride your ass like Zorro – you’re gonna show me the money!”
Well guess what? We have no Rob Tidwell – we just have US – and we sometimes need to ride our own ass and show OURSELVES the money!”
Internet marketing is not a school. You don’t get to walk up to the teacher in most cases and get one on one help for nothing – MOST people charge for that. You can buy courses and books, and implement – but there’s no requirement for anyone to be your babysitter.
And no one wants to help someone who ENJOYS being chained to their sob story. There’s a difference between someone who wants away from it and someone who seems to relish the fact that they have a reason not to get out there and work hard on their own. As if their path shouldn’t be filled with the same potholes the rest of us had to hit along the way.
And no matter how sad you think your story is – how helpless you feel – I guarantee I’ve heard worse. Stuff that made me unable to sleep at night. I like to throw my own pity party, but you won’t see me approaching others and asking them to put themselves out for my sad moments.
I’ll work it out on my own. Spend time finding answers. GOOGLE. Buy courses. Stuff like that.
How about you – have you ever had an expert tell you to go do something on your own? Kind of kick you out of the nest? Or not even respond to you? Do you think victimhood played a role in that? Are you sick of hearing your own sad tale? I know I am with something specific. And only I can change things.
Tiff 
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You realize when you were talking to your son, you were basically quoting Yoda from Star Wars. He said, ‘No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.’ Yes, I’m a total nerd.
I do have a question Tif, totally off topic. I lost the link you gave for where you print out your monthly calendars. Can you give it again?
Yes I told him that too! LOL!
Calendar link: http://www.pdfcalendar.com/monthly/
Thanks, I bookmarked it.
Oh I hate the victim card. We all have excuses for not pushing forward, but we do not have to be the victim of our circumstances. We have two choices, we can be a victim or be a survivor. I choose to be a survivor.
You know it’s kinda funny, you and I are both blunt with our advice and we tend to attract those who want us to play in their pity party. That makes no sense to me. Do we have the pity party magnet inserted into our brains or something? Why don’t they seek out others like them? Guess that blows that whole law of attraction thing, eh? LOL
I know! Secretly, they want a butt kick. If they went to other pity partiers, they would turn the conversation on to themselves, so they seek people who won’t go there.
I’m in a personal pity party right now. Life’s about to change. Scared but feeling strong.
Tiff, you are in a personal pity party right now????
Well, you sure know how to fake it til you make it…
You are so strong and clear in your voice nowadays, and the other day I nearly gasped when I saw your video still shot/screengrab, with a big smile on your face as usual, looking absolutely sensational…just something different about it from the usual video stills… something different going on.
Whatever the changes are that are going on in your life, they are doing you good by the sound (and look) of it.
You might be scared, but you certainly are strong!
Yes I am – sadness Helene.
Many of us are guilty of saying this kind of thing at some time or another. You know what totally kicked my butt one day? I saw on TV a little girl who had no hands or feet SWIMMING on her own!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In her adopted parent’s swimming pool. How is that for not being a victim?
Wow yeah that kind of stuff will snap you back to reality!
and when I said no feet, I meant no legs!!
Bev, it sounds like she has the same condition (tetra amelia syndrome) as Nick Vujicic, a 30-year old Australian evangelist and motivational speaker. The only limb he has is a small foot-like appendage with two toes.
For years now, whenever I feel down and about ready for a pity party, I go look at one of his videos on YouTube.
The video linked to below starts with his wedding photos — they now have a son, born less than two weeks ago. The rest of the video is a retrospect of his life, up to around age 25. Some really inspirational scenes in there.
At the end he says, “If a man without arms and legs can dream big, why can’t we? Why can’t you?”
You can see the video here:
Congratulations to Nick Vujicic ♥ Kanae Miyahara
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da5QQSxSsGY
Terry thank you for posting that video url. I can’t remember when I’ve felt so moved. What an amazing man. And an Aussie. We breed them tough!
Yoda was kind of right. He had to shift Luke’s mindset, his lack of belief that it could work.
He recognised that Luke used “I’ll try” as a doubtful excuse to fail.
Don’t we do it far too often? But as soon as we give up TRYING because we stop believing that we can succeed, we make ourselves liars.
If I say: “I’ll try!” I may only stop when time’s up (and come back to try again tomorrow), or when I hit a serious roadblock that I need to get help for – to then start trying and learning to do it again.
The word TRY is actually meant for learning: Try it, learn it, ask for help, try again!
Trying is a GREAT thing!
If you don’t mean it, don’t say it. If you give up way too early, admit that you gave up, instead of making yourself a liar by saying: ‘I totally tried. It didn’t work. Poor me!’
I tried for over ten years to write a novel. (The writing was fine. I can write short stories every day. But to this day I haven’t been able to finish a novel.)
I haven’t given up yet, and I won’t. I have tried many different strategies and have failed time and again. But I also learned a lot about myself and about writing during that process.
And one day, hopefully soon, I’ll finish a novel. I will never give up; I want it too much. But it also comforts me to have read that successful novelists say in interviews it took them a decade or more to finish their first novel.
But even if I was just particularly bad at it and nobody ever tried to write novels for ten years and failed for so long — I STILL would continue trying until I’d have learned that skill.
One day I’ll succeed, until then I’ll try my utterly BEST.
About the idea of coaching: Yes, totally. I know you would kick butt, never accept weak excuses, and send your clients back to get stuff done rapidly and become successful in their endeavors. And they’d love it, and succeed soon, too.
You are already doing it in your blog posts, why not do it one-on-one?
I tried it. LOL!!! The irony! I tried it with 4-5 people and I failed at it. But I think I was being too specific with them (do this, do that) and not “coaching” like Craig coaches.
I think you didn’t try enough. 4 or 5 doesn’t sound like much at all; that’s where you make most of your beginner’s mistakes and don’t have a system/style developed yet.
How did you fail?
Didn’t they do any work? (But that would mean that they failed to commit.)
Didn’t you leave them enough freedom of choice? (Seems unlikely since you always say: “Kids, it’s YOUR business, you have to make your business decisions yourself!”)
Have you experimented with coaching in a group setting vs one-on-one?
Have you taken courses on coaching? Have you studied books on coaching? Have you learned from great coaches whose styles you’d love to emulate to develop your own style from it?
Have you given yourself enough time to learn coaching skills? (After all it’s not quite the same like blogging and answering emails and therefore needs to be learned and adapted like any other skill.)
Hm. People usually simply don’t want to do the work. You probably didn’t fail at all; you just didn’t get the FEW that are actually willing to commit. Change is hard but nessessary to succeed in anything.
I think a good coach listens first, and then teaches and tells the pupil a solution to their problem (i.e. what they why need to do next to figure out their goals and/or to reach their goals.) That’s it. If the pupil can’t handle the advice they’re not ready to change.
As you’ve said: You’ve learned at least something from EVERY course you’ve bought and implemented. I cannot imagine you failed, at least not completely. Surely there’s always room for improvisation but with coaching so few achieve the success they could and should – simply because so few dare to really commit.
But that’s no reason for the coach to quit!
I meant ‘room for improvement’ of course.
LOL I think it was a combination of a few of them and me not knowing what I was doing. I was not prepared at all.
Well, if it wasn’t time yet then it wasn’t time yet.
I always go by what feels right to me. If it doesn’t feel right in my heart I wouldn’t jump into scary new things in the first place. (Or into ANY new things, scary or not.)
If it does feel right my whole focus shifts to this new thing I now need to learn, practice and finally perfect and streamline.
Don’t beat yourself up about it and look out for when it’s the right time to start doing it again.
People would pay a LOT of money for such coaching once you have become really good at it because you are so knowledgable, and the more they pay the more reason they have to succeed, too.
But it’s not that much about money, I think, rather about the help your unique approach and direct teaching would give your students, of course. You’d see the blind spots they’d not be able to perceive, you’d know what should be done next even if the bigger picture system calls for the next big step that they or rather their businesses aren’t quite ready for.
What you can’t streamline and teach in a ready-made course is what’s taught in mentoring, isn’t it? And I think what you don’t know that it should be streamlined and taught in a course yet is taught in mentoring first (together with the already available successful systems of the mentor), before the mentor then can develop another system from it to sell it to the masses later on. (Sounds a bit similar to how you testrun your products first in a small cirle of beta-testers before finishing the products up and offering them for sale.)
That (teaching first, creating a product from it later) is how I’ve seen it done time and time again by others, and that’s how I usually do it, too.
Yeah I think I just wasn’t prepared and I know what I was doing wrong so now I’m educating myself
I’ll try again when I’m ready. I would LOVE to have a coaching offer and affect people the way Craig does. Man how fulfilling that would be.
Nah, you didn’t fail. You and your coachees (if that’s even a word!) learned some lessons together, in a reciprocal arrangement. Teachers always learn from their students, too – if they’re both smart.
A quote for you:
“Ignore the flock of Wah-Wahs, focus on what you love to do, and earn off it. And remember: once you get paid to do it, doesn’t matter whether someone thinks you’re good at it or not; opinions pay imaginary rents, kids. You get paid to do it, you’re a pro.”
—Kevin Smith
Yes I learned from it too
Have you ever participated in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month)? It’s in November every year. You can read about it at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Novel_Writing_Month
They have some preliminary stuff starting in October, so you might want to visit their site at nanowrimo.org and put some dates on your calendar.
They also have “Summer Camps” in April and July if sooner is better than later for you – http://campnanowrimo.org/sign_in
That’s three free novel-writing opps, plus you’ll have the chance to meet face-to-face with people in your local area who’re doing the same thing, feeling the same fears and frustrations, and facing the same blocks.
They have plenty of coaches and cheerleaders to keep you going, too.
Be careful about not letting it be a Shiny Object, though – maybe later might be better than sooner, after all…
Good luck with your novel!
Err… the NaNoWriMo info is in reply to Sena’s post where she mentions her novel.
I believe I participated in Nano 7 times, and won 6. The longest body of work I wrote during Nanowrimo was about 120k words long.
I still never finished because of different reasons like trying to force myself write the boring parts or having an outline beforehand that was logical but not from my heart.
Next time when I’ll try it might work. I’m turning my life around right now with the challenges I document on my blog; soonishly I’ll have a bigger writing challenge, too, and from then on I will build my writing up until I’ve finished a novel. My strength lies in short story writing (I just love novels way more), so I’ll build on that first, and one day I’ll have novels, too. No need to hurry it anymore.
I now know better what I am doing.
Thank you!
Oh, I didn’t spend 10 years trying to write ONE story. That would have driven me mad! I used a new idea each year for Nanowrimo, and other ideas outside November, too.
I think, most of them are still somewhat salvagable. I’ll probably one day take the main elements of what hooked me about them and start writing them again — but only once I have put the current novel idea on paper that is waiting to get written!
That’s also what I’ve heard of many other writers (including Holly Lisle!): They wrote lot’s of unfinished manuscripts that for this or that reason failed until these writers learned their process and what it takes to finish a novel (learning to plot, not plotting anymore, simply writing more, learning how to always get ideas, etc; whatever skill(s) one needs to learn – usually way more than one.)
And finally they succeed. That’s encouraging to me.
Writing one book for years, starting and restarting time and again like Tolkien, would just drive me crazy. Sometimes you have to stop trying to repair something that’s broken and start over with a new project to learn the missing skills, to then come back to the old project later with a fresh perspective to find out what of it can be revived or remodeled.
The scary thing for many people is letting go of that sob story because without it, you realise that the reason things haven’t changed is all down to you. Not the online courses or the books that you bought. YOU.
If the books have worked for others and the courses have made other people money, then the problem must lie with you.
No-one wants to face the reality that they are too lazy, too flighty, lack discipline etc.
The sob story keeps you safe and warm in the land of Denial.
Ouch yeah that’s scary.
I was born a worrier and have a tendency to doubt myself. Okay, it’s a major tendency, lol! I have found lately that I keep asking myself if I am doing absolutely everything I can to build ‘me’ and my business. Sometimes the answer is yes, and I’m still struggling, so I will take a day off to rest the brain cells and get back at it.
Sometimes the answer is no, and I mentally kick my own backside because I forget that I deserve to do better, and that means I deserve to have the pure pleasure associated with figuring it out and getting it done, sometimes with a little help from friends, but oh, it feels so amazing to know ‘I can do this…I can kick butt with the best of them’!
Yes you can!
At first I read: “I was born a warrior” – and I thought, wow, that’s SO the right attitude! Then I realised I had misread that word!
Go, warrior!
Very interesting take on this …. “why would I want to help a LIAR like that?”
Normally because they make you feel ‘significant’ and generally ‘feel good’ about how wonderful a person you are, because you helped them.
Had to deal with this every day in my role of community project officer/trainer for long-term unemployed adults.
Every excuse/story in the world for why they could not get a job… but I worked to not just upgrade their skills, instead 90% of my training was to change their thinking/belief/story and pop the bubble on their excuses.
As a result I had nearly 100% ‘successful outcomes’ in my groups – unheard of.
But it does still fascinate me why it is that in my decades of experience I often ‘attracted’ people who simply won’t even get out of their own way… but choose instead to ask others to ‘do for them’ as that is what they really want.
No amount of free advice, setting out step by step instructions for them to follow, or even giving them free tools or manuals/books, will be taken action on.
Despite their overly-profuse thanking for your help etc. (supposed to be addictively gratifying to you) they just won’t pick up the tools you give them, they just keep coming back again and again, basically saying what you offered is ‘too hard / I can’t understand it’ —- UNTIL — out of sheer frustration you just DO IT FOR THEM.
*GOTCHA!*
I was such a ‘serial helper’ that I have fallen for that so many times in website building, squidoo flipping, ebook publishing/sales, that it actually derailed me from my own business growth plans/schedules/agendas/goals for YEARS, because so much time was just expected from me to do stuff for them, for free.
And once it was done, (eg: I would often build their entire website & 100′s of content pages for free, even publish an ebook for them to sell from the site) they still wouldn’t MAINTAIN what I had done/created for them… aaaaarrrgggghhhhh!
This has gone on for years… I’m totally over it now.
I used to pride myself on being the ‘go to person’ and being famous for being such a generous helper, but I need to focus on my own business from here on.
So it is such a contradiction in your latest training posts about Leadership and developing your reputation for being the ‘go to’ person … It should come with a WARNING – lol!
On the one hand you work to create your branding and reputation for great customer service, you need to over deliver, you want to develop your Leadership skills (and that means mentoring and coaching others) – BUT – you also need to define for yourself where you draw the line.
Everyone just setting up business needs to have a think about what you consider to be suitable ‘leadership giving’ and ‘customer service’ and define for yourself in your business plan just where you draw the line for the “liars” you are certain to come across …It could be what saves your business plan from derailing!
Oh no I see myself in this story Helene. I think a good leader won’t get sucked into the crutch people who lean on you without good intentions.
Yes, I’m thinking that the more experienced Leaders all learn this lesson about “liars” and develop their own methods/philos0phies about how they choose to deal with them.
I’m too worn out to do much else than to just put my own business interests ahead of the serial askers… now that I have a good BS detector that warns me of what lies ahead when I start to hear the familiar old songs…
Professionally I’ll always have an above average customer service in place, but no more than is what I intend to give in the first place.
I touched on this on a previous post’s response, but it seems to be a recurring theme — that many people find themselves saying, “But Tiff … I’m not a ____________ (fill in the blank – writer, web developer, email marketer, video creator, etc. etc.)
Nobody is BORN anything – they developed that skill by DOING. The magic Writing Fairy did not come down and bless them and say “Poof! Now you’re a real writer, Pinnochio!”
I challenge anyone reading this – myself included – the next time that phrase comes up (I’m not a fill in the blank) to take 15-20 minutes and do something to better yourself in the skill you’re wasting time lamenting about.
Whether it’s writing a blog post, creating a simple video from screen captures, narrating an audio for an MP3 – or gasp – tackling Podcasting (wink wink, nod nod), moving forward requires you to initially feel and acknowledge that you’re uncomfortable – then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Otherwise, continue to make reservations at Pity Party, Table of 1 – for the rest of your life.
If only! I want some magic dust from a fairy! I like that challenge – 15-20 minutes learning before you’re allowed to say it.
P.S. – Long live the “Discomfort Zone” — we should all commit to spending more time there!
Yeah we should! LOL
I like that, Mary!
“Get in the Discomfort Zone,” and not just “Get in the Zone” or “Get in the Comfort Zone.” Three very interrelated zones that benefits us whenever we go there…
I partially agree.
Some gurus don’t answer their emails because they lack the time, given all the fingers they have in different pots. They choose to hire this work out to others.
Though, I would think 90% of them don’t answer the mail because all they want is your money, not your sob story or a connection. Sad, but true.
I wish I would have kept the email I received from a high profile person (you talk about him sometimes) who sent me mail once that scolded me for not selling his products. I was in his affiliate program and not very active at promoting his stuff.
Needless to say, after getting that email, I thought less of him and others in the industry that treat their customers and affiliates like a money funnel.
True there are those
Great blog post, and NOW I’m going to come out with MY sobs and whines (without cheese), because I REALLY need help. And maybe you can pinpoint the problem?
You see, you just wrote that Craig, your coach, whom you trust, told you about “trying” last night.
And you know what?
Look at my comment here from June 12, 2012:
http://www.tiffanydhttp://www.tiffanydow.com/blog/geoff-shaw-kindling-course-review-part-4/#comment-67981
Quote:
“By the way, Tiff, you write “(except fiction lol – why can’t I have that attitude about fiction? I will try to now).”
Now, TRY to pick up that pencil on your table.
No, no, I didn’t say “pick it up”, I said “try to pick it up”.
You can’t.
You can either do it or not do it.
Hypnotists use that word in their sessions. “You feel totally relaxed now and your eye lids are feeling heavy. You try to keep your eyes open, but you can’t. Your eyes are closing now. No matter how much you try, you cannot open your eyes. Try to open your eyes… you can’t.”
Etc
So stop trying and start doing. (One of my mottos.)”
And you said you got it.
But when you wrote this, Craig had just opened your eyes with the same words.
Why?
I’m asking, because this is NOT the first time it has happened to me. It gets closer to 100 times.
Like, I tell somebody something important. I stress that it’s important. And they say they get it.
Then 6 months later they come back with stars in their eyes and say: This guru just told me to (same thing I said earlier) and oh, he’s so right about this. I will do that from now on!
And this is the moment where I feel like kicking someone!
Why, oh why, don’t people get the message when it comes from me? Why does some big name have to say the same thing later?
(By the way, the one who taught me about “trying” was my husband, Cyril Malka. He teaches it to his clients, too.)
LOL Britt I understand how that would annoy you! And how funny that you told me the same thing. Sometimes, I’m sure you know, it takes us a few times of being exposed to an idea to really get it. Or, we have to be in a place where we’re ready to accept the information. So many factors could have an impact on it – so don’t take it personally.
I sympathise Britt… that is frustrating.
But what I have learned is that it is ALL about where the person ‘is at’ in their development at that time… NOT about ‘your message’.
Remember the thing Oprah says about how when you have to ‘get’ a message, first it is a whisper, then you get a tap, then you get a knocking, then you get a brick, then you get a brick wall falling on you…. UNTIL … you finally are at a point where you HAVE to actually hear and absorb the message being given to you so many times over and again.
Yeah that’s what I was trying to say! LOL! You described it so much better.
Thanks, Helene and Tiff
Oh, and what you said made it clear to me that wanting to be THAT person who gets listened to is a very egoistic wish. If the most important thing was to help somebody, then who cares *who* gets the message through, as long as it’s getting through?
Ahaaaa
“Vanity, definitely my favorite sin.”
I’d feel the same way. And what’s worse? I felt instant GUILT when I read your comment – that I’d made you frustrated. LOL! I love guilt. (not really – it’s silly) but it’s funny I felt like I’d let you down.
Britt, re your reply “Oh, and what you said made it clear to me that wanting to be THAT person who gets listened to is a very egoistic wish.”
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy a feeling of ‘significance’ knowing that you were truly able to help someone else with your insight and suggestions!
But you are destined to only experience frustration if you give the gift of your insight before the person is ready to accept it.
I look forward to when you share more here in the community – and you are always welcome to share your thoughts with me! I know I can also get wrapped up in my own stories sometimes – lol!
Because my interest is in the coaching arena (like Craig) and that has been the focus of my current research I have to add that sometimes folks simply CAN”T continue because of those very (sob)stories they tell themselves. During our very young lives we’ve had to make up these stories in order for our lives to make sense. These are our core beliefs. These are the things that must be changed.
Otherwise we continually try to layer on attitudes that aren’t congruent with our beliefs. Until the beliefs change we can motivate (which often is fleeting), we can affirm ourselves till the cows come home, we can “attract” the thing we want into our lives…whatever. And unless any of those things are congruent with our core beliefs we’re forcing things onto an emotional framework that may not support them. Change your beliefs and you change your world. Just one man’s two cents.
So true Buddy! Great insight
And damn is it ever a struggle to get those core beliefs to change?
Great post, Tiff. I totally identify with this. I have a sob story too (who doesn’t right?), but I like to tell it to encourage people. It’s like if I could go online, learn what I needed to learn and make an income out of what I didn’t even know, then there’s no reason why anyone else shouldn’t.
Then there are the things I know I should do like coaching in my niche, and my mentor has recommended that I do that, but my sob story comes in the way and it’s just too pathetic.
This was definitely a kick in the butt and I’ll say thanks!
Yes that’s very different! That’s putting it to good use
The “fear factor” causes a lot of people to lie and make excuses. Fear of the unknown, fear that they aren’t smart enough, fear of not being worthy enough, fear of not being good enough, slim enough, pretty enough, educated enough ….
After a while, you get tired of lying and playing this “poor me” game. You decide to either take some notable action, continue to play from the sidelines, or get out of the game.
Making the decision to take the advice given, or do some research and put together a workable plan, or buy a WSO and follow it step-by-step instead of trumping up another excuse for “why nothing’s working” … is half the battle.
I’ve found that the other half of the battle is getting real with yourself and making a wholehearted commitment to do things differently. We have to commit, get some clarity, and be honest with ourselves by determining what our strengths and weaknesses are then using them to our advantage. I’ve been learning how to out-fox my weaknesses by turning them into strengths to work in my favor and not against me.
For instance, I’m a perfectionist and I find myself starting lots of things but never really finishing anything because to me, it’s never PERFECT enough to put out there! I keep researching … and researching … and researching.
So, I have to put a stiff deadline on myself. Now I give myself a certain number of hours or days to pull together a plan, do my research and pump out something. I’ve tried really hard to stick to my time-frame and deadlines in order to complete info-products, blog posts, craft patterns, etc., and it has been working fairly well.
I agree Iris – and I’m sitting there reading your comment and applying it to my personal life too.
Tiff,
Glad I could share and be of service! LOL!
Wow Iris, you are spot on!
I too find myself to be too much of a perfectionist and tend to spend far too much time on various efforts. I am learning to do it, check it, and let it go. If not I get lost in my forest of thought and waste precious time.
The benefit is that when I return to the task it all seems so much more clear. Sometimes we need to literally change our field of view.
Plus I don’t allow myself time for a pity party, my agenda is packed too full with action items that I too need to put deadlines on to achieve. And achieve I will because I have found a treasure chest of training right here.
Marilyn,
I’m glad my comment resonates with you, too. Perfectionism can be stagnating!
I’m glad to see that you have been able to work around it and keep things moving. Stepping away from the task or our work (as you mentioned) can help us get a better handle on things without getting overwhelmed or going overboard.
I wholeheartedly agree with your statement … “And achieve I will because I have found a treasure chest of training right here.”
I cannot thank Tiff enough for all the knowledge and experience she shares here on http://www.tiffanydow.com. The warmth, the feeling of openness, transparency, enthusiasm, the doses of “go-gettums”, the kick in the pants, etc. that we get here is … priceless!
There is no reason for us not to achieve.
With that, I’m off to do a last-minute check to make sure I everything lined up and ready to go for our 30-Day List Building Challenge that starts tomorrow!
The day my business really took off was the day I realized that I’m the only one who can hold me back. There is always something I can be doing to push my business forward and it’s MY job to make sure I do it.
I get a lot of emails with people’s stories and I don’t mind hearing them. If you want to vent a bit and tell me where you came from, that’s okay. I’ll answer your questions and even drop you some encouragement.
What bothers me is when I get an email the next day asking basic questions that could be answered by Google or saying they can’t do whatever I suggested they do because of x, y, and z.
Also, that book looks interesting. I might have to add it to my list for my March book order.
Yes that’s how I feel Amanda! And it is a good read.
Been there – done that! As has been said many times above – I think we all have to some degree. But I decided last year NO MORE!! I love hanging with positive people – it’s much more motivating that’s for sure. Thanks Tiff!
Belinda
Me too!
Tiff, if you keep finding great books like this you’re going to blow my book budget very quickly!
Tony Robbins says you have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable …….. I have to remind myself constantly at Aikido training when I think of why I can’t do something (too old, too scared, too whatever), that I CAN do it – or at least to work at it till I get it right.
I find it reassuring (although sometimes depressing) to know that even the black belts have bad days with training and it takes T-I-M-E to get “there”. And lots of practice. And focus. Sound familiar?
I’ve also found in business that clients don’t want to make decisions – they give you the problem and ask your “advice” … they want someone else to be the scapegoat if things don’t work instead of being prepared to make a decision and live with the consequences. Much like running your own business. Make a decision, if it doesn’t work, come up with Plan B. Until you take responsibility for your life, you can’t move forward ……..
Ys I get that all the time
Hi Tiffany,
I like the rest of you have had my pity parties at times and I’ve always wondered why in the past I’ve fallen into the same trap, it must be something in my genes that others don’t have.
Well Molecular biology has proven me right, every cell has absorbed the good, the bad, and the ugly from the moment of your conception and every single cell holds that in your body so until you can clean that stuff out you just slide right back into the cesspit.
I had the alcoholic mother, disgusting step father, married a control freak and it took 42 years for me to get away BUT… I have almost gotten rid of this crap so my cells must have enjoyed the wash I’ve been giving them and will continue to do until it’s all gone.
I have been struggling online for 5 years, never having done more than open an email and shut down a computer before that and only in the last 5 months since a lot of stuff changed and I’m now by myself can I actually understand what this Internet Marketing is about and even the simplest thing is a huge mountain that I wish were a mole hill.
Even something as simple as Pinging something is monumental and it’s the next thing on my to do learn list. I may or may not make it depending on how long I live because at almost 70yo I’ve been here longer than I’m staying but I’m doing my best with what i have mentally, physically and financially so here’s hoping it works out before the worms turn.
I also attract “leeches”, well I used to but they’ve been given the flick as well now, and it just feels like riding in a sports car with the roof off, that lovely breeze that blows the cobwebs away and the leeches fall off with them, very invigorating.
Well enough from me it’s bed time as I just can’t concentrate after 10pm so by the time I shut this down and do the necessaries it will be shut eye time.
Oh by the way if you want to know about Cellular Molecular Biology Dr. Bruce Lipton is on Youtube and probably other places and he’s not one of those boring fart scientists that lull you to sleep.
I love the way you write – you should be an author Maureen!
Hi Tiffany,
thank you, you must be the 10th person that’s told me that and in the back of my mind is a couple of stories i would like to get out there but the they have been formulated in my mind yet and I have to work on the fact that somebody once told me my writing was “FLAMBOYANT”
However it’s just another bit out of those cellular memories to wash out and now it’s come to the surface away it goes.
i have a theory about how women assess things and it ties in with men saying we always change our minds. Have you ever seen bank tellers when they have a great load of coins and they put them into those sieve trays and the smallest ones go to the bottom and each layer is slightly larger so the biggest ones are on the top.
Well when we need to really think about something and assess whether it fits what we need we give an answer but over the next period of time out brain sorts it using this tray system and then sometime later we say OH! NO! XYZ would be much better so that’s what I/we will do and invariably it’s the right thing and it drives men absolutely crazy.
Those men that I have explained this to nod their heads and say “I now understand exactly and I’ll try to think of it next time” so i hope they do.
Anyway enough waffle.